Straight talk

It’s a good thing most people in the design industry don’t speak like politicians. I imagine all the double speak would be infuriating.

Here’s how I imagine an interview might go (thanks to some reading inspiration from Susan Dickerson)

Q. “What can you tell me about your new cabinet collection?”
A. “We know that the American homeowner wants this and will love it.”

Q. “But this is my third house and I want something different from what I’ve had before.”
A. “Well, most American homeowners are paying too much for their individual style. And their aesthetic is wrong and it costs too much to manufacture. We know this new line is going to make you happier and more stylish going forward.”

Q. “But isn’t this new line with premade countertops and lighting more expensive than mixing and matching individual pieces?”

A. “Here’s the thing – With our whole room approach, all American homeowners will have access to stores. So they will buy more cabinetry and countertops and the price will be lower because they have better access.”

Q.“Everyone already has access to many stores. Not everyone can afford the whole room approach.”
A. “The American homeowners has told us they want better access to stores but that’s not the point. The point is that they want what they want and they chose us to deliver Maple Java cabinetry. Now they can buy from stores that care about how their home looks.”

Q. “Excuse me, but that cabinetry is not Java. It is Limed Oak.”
A. “The color is Java. But the real issue is that American homeowners’ kitchens have been so bad. So bad. They are falling apart and we are going to fix that. We’re coming together to give them access to the best Java cabinets in the world. All the other homeowners in the world will be so jealous.”

Q.”Do you have data showing that all American Homeowners want what you speak of?”
A.”I know this to be true – I am an expert. But in reality, they don’t know what they want. They are uneducated and have poor taste. The triangle is broken. They have chosen me to tell them what they want. They are seeking help bigly.”